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My Spiritual Journey
The Early Years
As a small child, I attended Quaker meeting and "First Day School"
with the rest of my family until around 5th grade. I remember that we
talked about some of the Bible stories and certainly about Jesus having been
crucified and even about the resurrection. But i don't remember that we ever
talked at all about the reason for Christ's death. Largely, what I remember from
my early days with Wrightstown Friends Meeting was listening to top 40 songs,
drawing pictures and going outside (weather permitting) to fly kites.
I also remember, during my junior
high school years, having questions about
the existence of God and how i might be able to know whether
or not there really was any "god" at all. But it was never something i pursued to
any great length.When i entered high school in 9th grade, i developed a new circle
of friends. (Unbeknownst to me at the time was that these were all Christians.
More on that in just a bit.) That year (1970) the first nation-wide "Earth Day"
was held. My high school set up seminars all day long instead of the
regular classes and we chose various seminars dealing with the environment each period. The
last seminar i attended, however, had nothing whatsoever to do with
ecology or the environment. (I don't remember how i came to chose this
particular "seminar." A fellow from Florida Bible College was there and spent the time
talking about Jesus Christ and the Good News of Christ. Towards the end of the
time, he set the issue of a decision out clearly before us. At the time, all i
really understood was that through acknowledging Christ's death on the cross for
my sake, i would escape hell. So i, basically, chose the "fire insurance" i
believed Christ offered... and gave nearly no thought of it again for about a
year.
It was
around that time that my friends, most of whom attended a small Mennonite Church, invited me to their youth group. I enjoyed the activities and
listened to the Bible discussions, but couldn't tell what all it had to
do with me. In my 10th grade year they invited me to go along to a Leighton Ford
crusade. During that evening i felt compelled to go down front to say
'yes' to Christ (i was the only one from our group that did) at the invitation.
Afterwards, many from the group came up to me congratulating me, hugging
me and asking me how i felt. I did not understand what all the commotion was
about. But it was during that time that there seemed to be a stirring in me to
know more about what the Bible had to say. I didn't read it regularly, but i did
read it often and was often engaged in the Bible discussions at youth group meetings.
It wasn't until my
senior year of high school that
something "happened." I was involved in a Bible study at that little
Mennonite Church (Good Samaritan Mennonite Church in Holland, PA). The pastor was taking us through
Romans. I don't remember the exact passage that night (I think it was in
Romans 6), but something was going on. I had been struggling with trying to be
the good person i wanted to be... wanting to be good but finding that, at every turn,
i failed miserably. That night, my true plight came crashing in on me. I
drove home sobbing. I went to my room and sat in a chair trying to see out the window
through my tears. "God, i can't even be the person *I* want to be. There's no
way i can every be the person you want me to be. Something has to change and
i can't do it. You *have* to do it in me. Please, help me." I wish i could say
that, in that moment, everything changed... that the room was suddenly filled with
light and i was filled with joy. Nothing like that happened. I went to bed,
still heavy with sorrow. But in the following weeks and months i began to read
the Bible differently. I began to see that the very thing i needed was exactly what
Christ had done for me. Far more than just fire insurance (escapte from hell),
Christ died to completely reconcile me to God. Christ's resurrection gave me a
whole new life. Christ's Spirit now lived in me. No longer was i a sinner doomed
to frustration with no way out of my sinful habits, i was given power to live a
holy life and enjoy God's full pleasure because of Jesus! Hallelujah! But over
the next 15 years or so, i discovered that i still wasn't living the holy life
some Christians talked about and the Bible said God demands. As i think about it
again, i am amazed at God's grace.
College and Young Adulthood
I graduated from Messiah College in 1977
and married my best friend who has been my only wife and the greatest gift of
grace in my life next to my salvation. Even now, 30 years later, i am
amazed at the mercy and grace God grants me through Wendy.
One
time, before we were married, i had attended a high school football game with her at her high school
alma mater. She had introduced me to a lot of her friends but i felt incredibly
awkward around them - even shy. I felt like a buffoon and a nuisance to
Wendy and her friends. When we got in the car after the game i was quite
depressed when Wendy asked me what was wrong with me. I told her i felt so out
of place and apologized for the way i had acted. She actually got angry with me
for being so foolish to think that i was a nuisance. I became quite upset with
myself and blurted out, "I don't know how you can love me the way i am." And she
responded, without any hesitation (and quite sharply), "I just do. That's all!"
In that moment, it seemed as if God himself had spoken to me. "I just love you.
That's all."
Even so, i still felt that i constantly disappointed God. I was a constant screw up - making foolish choices based on selfish desires.
Sure, i confessed my sins - over and over again. But i was working my way
into complete discouragement and depression. I felt constantly defeated and unable
to live up to the standard and model Christ had demonstrated. Even though i read
my Bible faithfully and prayed often, complete obedience to the scriptures
seemed impossible. I knew i was a disappointment to God because i was such a
disappointment to myself. I began to think that there was something so horribly
wrong with me that not even God could fix it - either that or he just wasn't
willing to waste his time on the likes of me. All this was going on while i was
serving as a youth worker in the church. And then, two things happened that
completely changed my perspective.
At a student leadership retreat, we brought someone in to
lead the youth through a personality profile (DISC). I had never done anything
like this before and found it rather interesting. But we were then led through a
comparison of different Bible characters, discovering that people in the Bible
were just like us in many ways - including character traits that seemed to be
inherent. That God could use a personality like mine (i was compared to King
David in many respects) - and perhaps even deliberately created someone with my
personality makeup - was a major revelation. I had thought for so long that i
needed to be like other Christians, like the OT and NT saints. I thought being
perfect was being like someone else. What i discovered is that perfection
doesn't come from being like someone else but from being the person God made me
to be. At the same time, i had begun studying Galatians. I was intrigued at what
had happened to the Christians in Galatia - getting tangled up in all kinds of
do's and don'ts that they had lost what salvation was - how one obtained it and
how one held on to it. When i read Galatians 5:1 - "It was for freedom that
Christ set us free..." it was as if the chains that had held me in a state of
spiritual paralysis fell off me. "...therefore keep standing firm and do not be
subject again to a yoke of slavery." It's not that I am free from all masters
but free to serve the most gracious, merciful and loving of all masters, my Lord
Jesus.
Prayer - A Thirst Develops
Somewhere along the line, in my mid-forties
as i was serving as a youth pastor on staff at a church, I began to become
aware of a deepening desire for a fuller prayer life. It was more than a desire.
It was a need. I became convinced that the path to real-life holiness lay in
prayer, and that prayer was far more than just asking things of God, more than
just "talking with God." Real prayer is a communion with God, an engagement with
His Spirit. While I have frequently had many moments where I felt like I was on
the very threshold of heaven itself, I wanted to find a way that went beyond
what i felt to a life - with or without feeling - of living heaven-centered. I'd
read many books on prayer, taught on prayer, practiced prayer even extended
times of personal prayer. But there was something missing. The kind of praying i
did seemed small. I needed to go beyond my own experience. But how? It began
with a little book of morning and evening prayers by John Baillie entitled A
Diary of Private Prayer. In that book were prayers that i had never thought
to pray, prayers that were exactly the things of things i wanted to pray but in
which, up to this point, had no one to guide me. Then i came across The
Valley of Decision, a book of Puritan prayers and readings that took me
even further. I read and prayed through these two books for years, over and
over. The repetition wasn't a chore or drudgery or boring, it was invigorating
and foundational. After talking with a friend, he recommended something called a
Breviary, introducing me to St. Benedicts seven offices of prayer and
Christian Prayer: The Liturgy of the Hours. Here i found that there was
a part of the Church that had marvelous tools for prayer, hands-on things that
not only helped me more in understanding prayer but in actually praying. I began
to pray two and three times a day, time that was set aside specifically for
prayer using the tools for prayer that God's people had used for, not just
centuries but a few millenia! - the Psalms! I prayed. I memorized certain
prayers that were repeated everyday - Psalm 95, Zechariah's Prayer , Mary's
Prayer , Simeon's Prayer. The Lord's Prayer took on new significance. I
memorized and prayed the Te Deum ("You are God, we praise you..."), the
Gloria and other prayers.
The Pilgrimage
I pray
throughout my day but set aside four or five specific times nearly every day to
break from whatever my normal work routine is to focus, even if just for a few
minutes on the Opus Die, the Work of God. It's a long road. I have far
to go. There's so much to learn, so much more to learn to do, so many more ways
in which i need to change and be changed... but there seems to be something God
is doing. I used to want it all NOW - and still do to a great extent - but I
have to give myself to the work God is doing in me... and through me... and
simply allow for the time it takes. Why it has to take time, why it seems to
have to take so much time, i don't know, but I think i'm beginning to understand
that the time it takes is rooted in the time i give it in terms of discipline of
completely forsaking all sin and living a life of love... love of and for my God
and love for the people God loves. And I'm quite sure that it is in
intimacy with God, living in the fullness of the Spirit, that will bring me,
that will bring all of us, to the end of our pilgrimage... home with our God and
Father, home with our Lord Jesus Christ, home with his Spirit - our Comforter
and Teacher - home for all eternity in the glory of God.
If you're interested in reading some of my musings as i continue on my pilgrimage homeward, you can find
them at my weblog, Pilgrim Musings. Fom there, you can write to me, too.